We gals have long vocalized our complaints about unwanted chest lines that blemish our otherwise sexy cleavage. You know, the kind that make our plunging necklines look as dried-up as the Yangtze river, leaving us with no options but to fill the cracks with spackle, wear an 80’s vest, or join the Quaker Order.
So when the company Intimia® came out with Intimia® Pillow Bra, a pillow-pad with adjustable straps that when applied to the chest provides “prevention and elimination of cleavage wrinkles, sleep comfort for large breasted women and breast support for side sleepers” it was nothing to snore about. Women were suddenly armed with a new line of defense in the latest wrinkle war.
The Pillow Bra is an anatomically contoured adhesive pad made of “soft materials” that resembles a chicken cutlet, but services boobs. Ironically, it’s designed by women, for women, and looks uncannily like a padded jock strap.
I first learned about the “boob pillow” when the topic was raised at ladies bunko one Friday night. Before the wine was even poured, a passionate group discussion dominated our dice game when one player dared to admit that she had bought the boob pillow that day, and, with bedtime advancing, had already secured it to her cleavage. Her revelation was met with silence, followed by a frenzy of hushed whispers, and, after the wine was uncorked, a lock-down interrogation. “Where’d you get it? What’s it look like? Does it work?”
Smelling a story for my blog, my friend first made me swear to never reveal her identity. As I crossed my heart in promise, she crossed hers in prayer, then lifted her shirt and unveiled her Pillow Bra. We gasped. A neutral toned cushion lay squarely across her breastbone like an oddly misplaced potholder.
Shouting over the group’s squeals, she said, “I don’t know if it works yet. The site says if I don’t get great results in wrinkle improvement and breast support they’ll give me my money back after 30 days.”
I gazed at her breasts. They looked perfectly smooth and firm to me, though it might have been the wine . . .
The next day, as you might expect of any reliable journalist searching for data, I turned to the Internet and entered “boob.” It pulled up 13 million sites. I narrowed my search to “boob pillow.” At 486,000 entries, I was getting closer. To save time, I e-mailed Diane, uh, Debbie, and asked her for the website.
The site clearly advertised the $59.95 price, but provided absolutely no empirical evidence of product effectiveness. A cited nurse, we’ll call her Carrie Boulders, did claim to use it and she looks hot.
I had all but given up on the prospect of ever getting any hard data on the Pillow Bra, when I ran into Debbie.
“How’d the Pillow Bra work out?” I asked.
“Unfortunately I’m back to wearing turtlenecks,” she said.
“Sorry to hear that. How long did you try it?” I asked.
“Once,” she replied.
“Why just once?” I asked.
“Because my husband borrowed it,” she answered, adding, “It’s really helping him.”
“Your husband has chest wrinkles from side sleeping?” I questioned, raising an eyebrow.
“No,” she explained. “He had a sore groin from kickboxing.”
Disclaimer: This blog post is not a product endorsement for the Pillow Bra. Information provided here is for entertainment purposes only. I can’t guarantee the product works. I can’t even guarantee this post was entertaining.