It’s cold out here in Zuccotti Park. We’re peeing in buckets, sleeping in tents and having unbridled sex on park benches.
We haven’t showered in months. The conditions are so bad, even the hobos are complaining . . .
We need a hero of the revolution—someone well known, someone with clout, and someone who isn’t Alec Baldwin.
We’re calling on you, Santa, to provide us with some basic provisions to help us survive the winter. Please send: 500 army tents, 10,000 blow up mattresses, 200 generators, and 120 vibrators.
Also, we could use a few joints and some Republican respect. And after last night’s police expulsion, we may be in need of a new encampment . . .
Dear Occupy Wall Street,
Santa’s Elves, here.
You think you’re cold? Here in the North Pole it’s so frigid, we elves suffer hypothermia in the summertime.
You think you can’t find jobs? We elves are forced to work for free!
You think your society is plagued by consumerism? Our boss specializes in it!
You think you can’t tolerate the greed of the 1%? We have to deliver presents to them!
You think it’s tough being the little guy? Try being three feet tall!
We’re not going to take any more of this monkey business. That’s why we’re busy forming our own movement, OccupyNorthPole (ONP), our own growing occupation movement at Santa’s Village and around the world.
ONP is an elf-powered movement for Christmas Revolution which started outside Santa’s workshop and has spread to over 2500 shopping malls in the United States.
ONP is fighting back against the corrosive power of Santa and Mrs. Claus who have compromised the democratic process by working us like indentured servants.
Sorry we can’t help, but we have to focus on our own agenda. We wish you luck on the Occupy Wall Street front.
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