Bear Hunt in New Jersey: A Grisly Affair

6 Dec

WARNING:  This may include content that is mildly rude and not appropriate for young children, animal rights activists, or Yogi Bear fans.

NARRATOR:   Yogi and his sidekick, Boo Boo are in for the greatest challenge of their lives.

They don’t know it yet, but in an effort to control the bear population, a six-day black bear hunt is underway with thousands of hunters of all ages out in New Jersey’s backwoods.

Last year, 589 bears were killed—some for food (tastes like pork), others for sport.

Opponents fear the hunt, which has become a yearly event, will threaten long-term viability of the black bear population, and worse yet, Yogi and Boo Boo may be hung out to dry.

YOGI:  (Running down Chatham’s Main Street toward Dunkin’ Donuts) Full speed ahead, Boo Boo!

NARRATOR:  Yogi and Boo Boo are going to get their lunch one adventure at a time!

YOGI:  Hey Boo Boo, I don’t think we’re in Jellystone anymore.

BOO BOO:  Me neither, Yogi.

YOGI:  Yum, I smell donuts!

BOO BOO:  You’re right, Yogi, let’s go inside and check it out.  (Yogi and Boo Boo enter Dunkin’ Donuts.)

CLERK:  May I help you sir?

YOGI:  You sure can!  Gee, those donuts look good!  Apple fritters, Boston creams, bear claws . . . (gasp) bear claws!

CLERK:  Do not worry, sir.  It is a bear claw donut.

YOGI:  Whew!  In that case, I’ll take a dozen to go.  (Whispers to Boo Boo) Okay, Boo Boo, the coast is clear.  Go out to the dumpster and clean out all the jelly donuts . . .

NARRATOR:  Yogi’s smarter than the average bear!

BOO BOO:  (A jelly-covered Boo Boo climbs out of the dumpster holding an armful of jelly donuts and signals Yogi two thumbs up.)    You do come up with some good plans, Yogi.

YOGI:  I’m so smart it hurts!  And you’re not so bad yourself, Boo Boo.

BOO BOO:  Aww, thanks, Yogi.  Now let’s go back to the woods and eat these donuts!

YOGI:  (Sitting with Boo Boo on a tree stump along the Passaic River) Nice day for a pic-a-nic! (Sound of gunshot)  What the heck was that? (Second shot)

BOO BOO:  Yogi!  Are you okay?

YOGI:  (groaning) Run, Boo Boo, run . . .

HUNTER 1:  How about that, Joe!  I got ‘em!

HUNTER 2:  Say, Leon, is that a jelly donut in its mouth?

HUNTER 1:  Look Joe!  There goes another bear, a small one! Lucky we’re allowed to kill one bear each!  Let’s go!

YOGI:  (Sitting with Boo Boo on a tree stump inside the pearly gates, nibbling on a jelly donut) Well, Boo Boo, I guess I wasn’t smarter than the average bear after all . . .

Bear hunt: necessity or travesty? What are your thoughts?

Adapted from column, “Yogi Bear Hunt in New Jersey” published in on December 9, 2010

20 Responses to “Bear Hunt in New Jersey: A Grisly Affair”

  1. Paprika Furstenburg December 6, 2011 at 8:36 pm #

    I understand why people feel threatened by the black bears. They are cute, but intimidating animals. Why can’t we find a way to all get along? We’ve taken their habitat away which makes their existence difficult forcing them into more populated areas. There should be a more humane way to control the black bear population in NJ like bear birth control or a bear relocation program.

  2. Main Street Musings Blog December 6, 2011 at 10:39 pm #

    I wonder if Trojan makes “bear size?”

  3. morristownmemos by Ronnie Hammer December 6, 2011 at 11:20 pm #

    I have nightmares about the story a few years of of the bear in the Catskills grabbing a baby out of her carriage and carrying her off. Cartoons are charming and funny but it’s no joke to have wild animals cavorting around. I agree with Paprika that we have built on their habitat and forced them into populated neighborhoods, so either we move out or …

    Sorry, this is not a funny response. Wait until next week!


    • Main Street Musings Blog December 7, 2011 at 11:32 am #

      Your point is well taken, Ronnie. (but i still expect a funny response next week . . .)

  4. thelaughingmom December 7, 2011 at 12:56 am #

    Yikes! I’m not a big huntress either. I think I’d choose to live elsewhere. I like your Trojans idea. Maybe you could stuff some birth control pills in the jelly dounuts!

  5. Jen and Tonic December 7, 2011 at 2:15 am #

    Maybe if the male bears started living with their mothers, played video games all night and dressed up like Vulcans on the weekend the female bears wouldn’t feel the need to mate.

  6. sportsattitudes December 7, 2011 at 2:11 pm #

    The deer hunts in PA have been underway for some time now…first the “herd-thinning controlled” government ones…followed by the “hunter-thinning uncontrolled” citizen ones. I don’t hunt. I do think it would be fair we give the guns to the deer (and in this case the bears) and let them have equal time.

    • Sylver Blaque December 8, 2011 at 2:43 am #

      I LOVE this idea! I’d stand in line for days for tickets to this – what a show it would be!

  7. Main Street Musings Blog December 7, 2011 at 2:16 pm #

    I’ll be extra careful in case Rudolph is carrying around a semi-automatic this year.

  8. Audubon Ron December 10, 2011 at 2:25 pm #

    The Christian hunter in the tree: Father, please rescue me from the bear at the base of this tree that wants to eat me.

    The Christian bear at the base of the tree: Father, bless this food for which I’m about ready to receive and commit it to the nourishment of my body.


    I don’t suppose anyone looked at the possibly of a spay/neuter program for bears.

  9. Dawn@LightenUp! December 10, 2011 at 3:01 pm #

    Haha! Love this post, so creative.
    Disliking the idea of the bear hunt, though. Had no idea bears were running amok in Jersey. Sheesh.

  10. zumpoems December 11, 2011 at 8:36 pm #

    Enjoyed the humor. This is a serious topic in that we must not assume we are superior to other animals just because there were here first….

  11. Pflueg December 12, 2011 at 3:45 am #

    Once again, Yogi and Boo Boo aren’t afraid take the lead in demonstrating the seriousness of an issue that has residents up in arms. And those are the ones without guns. I enjoyed the reading and after a serious consideration I can’t help but wonder what donut-fed bear might taste like. Coming from a non bear hunter, I have to give the state wildlife biologists some credit for managing animal populations. They’re paid big bucks to make accurate reports.

    • Main Street Musings Blog December 12, 2011 at 11:40 am #

      The donut-fed bears probably taste best dunked in coffee. (That is some unbearably dark humor). Seriously, I have a much harder time swallowing the idea of bear hunting around these parts when it’s for sport and not food, which I’m afraid much of it is.

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