Holiday Cards: Signed, Sealed, Delivered (and Outsourced)

19 Dec

December is a time of year steeped in tradition—a time when we catch the holiday spirit, a time when we celebrate with family and friends, and a time when we express how much we mean to each other by exchanging cookies, gifts, and (pause here for blood-curdling scream) . . . annual holiday cards.

By Hallmark’s estimate, Americans send 1.5 billion holiday cards a year.  If you’re like me, you love to receive those colorful cards in the mail that bear cheerful wishes, contain beautiful photographs, and aren’t bills.

According to Hallmark research, nearly seventy-five percent of customers send holiday cards because they know how good it feels when they receive a holiday greeting, and in some cases (like the ones from my Uncle Harvey) a check.

But the chore of sitting at your kitchen table for endless hours addressing and licking envelopes while your writing hand stiffens into a pen-wielding crab claw and your tongue turns dryer than a cork board can quickly become tiresome.

As with taxes, there seems to be only two choices when it comes to preparing holiday cards, doing them and being glad you got it over with or pulling a Wesley Snipes and ignoring them.   Thanks to Hallmark, however, card giving needn’t be insufferable to be memorable.  Now you can arrange for someone else do the job for you through a new Hallmark service called Cards that Mail Themselves.

When you care enough to send the very best, Hallmark will not only express your sentiments, they’ll deliver them too.  With the new service, Hallmark will stamp, address and mail your cards for you.  All you have to do is upload an address book, choose your card and they’ll do the rest.

Some Hallmark employees share their perspectives:

Otto Pilot, Hallmark Chairman and CEO:  Our Company is passionate about thoughtfulness and caring, values that we hold on to so you don’t have to.  We understand that this is a busy season and want to help take the burden off our customers.   That means no more addressing and licking envelopes— we pay Ginger from the mailroom to do that for you.

Ginger Vitis, Mailroom Clerk:  My job ith to lick the envelopth.  Ith a thuper job ath long ath I drink loth of liquidth.

Bill Loney, Editorial Strategist for Cards:  Hallmark gives you the option to use one of many pre-written messages.  Get suggestions from the Hallmark Message Library to find just the right words and tone to suit your needs, whether inspiring, heartfelt, or ragingly hormonal. We make the process thoughtless for our consumers.

Rhoda Card, Writer for Holiday Cards: We have a variety of cards to choose from.  If you can’t find a pre-written message that’s right for you, Hallmark offers cards that enable the sender to record a message or music for the recipient.  Creating a message is as simple as the push of a button.  To ensure optimum sound, we recommend that you record your message in a quiet area away from jackhammers, live chickens, and anyone who has recently consumed a chili dog. 

This season, remember that holiday cards don’t have to be a chore.   Instead of putting them off, pawn them off, and rediscover the joy.

Hallmark for the holidays:  They think of your loved ones so you don’t have to.


A special note:  All satire aside, if Hallmark made cards for bloggers, I would send one to Funny or Tragic, saying thank you for nominating me for the Versatile Blogger Award.  I am both honored and flattered.   If anyone is looking for some slick and salty humor, check out this site—it’s funny and tragic, but mostly funny, and the illustrations alone are enough to make you fall off your chair laughing.

I would also send a Hallmark card to Good Humored, who first christened me with the Versatile Blogger Award.   Visit her site and enjoy some heart-warming humor.

The Laughing Mom is also Hallmark-worthy for writing such an enlightening post about the meaning of the Versatile Blogger Award.  Read it and you’ll better understand the award and the mindset of bloggers everywhere.

Finally, in the spirit of “versatility,” I encourage you to check out the aforementioned blogger’s blogrolls for more great reads.

Happy Holidays!  See you next year!


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19 Responses to “Holiday Cards: Signed, Sealed, Delivered (and Outsourced)”

  1. Audubon Ron December 19, 2011 at 4:13 pm #

    Wow, thanks for the info on Hallmark, I’ll need that on Valentines. I’m joking, I’m joking, I only have one card to send that day. Does Hallmark send chocolate? I’m also dropping Ginger Vitis a note in the suggestion box, “Check out the cow tongue section of the meat market.”

  2. Paprika Furstenburg December 19, 2011 at 4:47 pm #

    With the advent of this new service, Hallmark can change their slogan – when you care enough to send the very best, but you don’t want to take the time to do it yourself. Fun post.

    Thanks for the shout out 🙂

  3. Jen and Tonic December 19, 2011 at 5:29 pm #

    I’m one of those super obnoxious people who likes sending holiday cards! I must say that I hate those people who send out glowing family updates when you know their kids are one step away from entering rehab.

    • Main Street Musings Blog December 19, 2011 at 7:22 pm #

      Glad you’re not on “Otto Pilot!”

      • Mili May 24, 2012 at 9:10 am #

        You need to take care of your obligations now. And if you have anyinthg left over after all your debts, then put it in an IRA. But you debt should take priority. Obviously you haven’t figured that out yet.

  4. morristownmemos by Ronnie Hammer December 19, 2011 at 5:32 pm #

    …and if you send them a sample of your handwriting Hallmark will have its team of expert forgers at work in no time, personalizing your sentiments.

    Those Hallmark folks think of everything.


  5. sportsattitudes December 19, 2011 at 8:03 pm #

    Ginger Vitis gets my vote for Employee of the Year…if only to hear her acceptance speech.

    • Main Street Musings Blog December 19, 2011 at 9:36 pm #

      “Ith an honor to athept thith. . .doth anyone have a glath of thoda or thomething. . .?

  6. funnyortragic December 20, 2011 at 1:48 am #

    You know, I actually have family that works at Hallmark. A few people, actually. It’s like I’m the the one black cat in a litter of white kittens, the sarcasm in lieu of cheer and platitudes. But I’ll wish you a happy holiday in my own special way…

  7. Main Street Musings Blog December 20, 2011 at 11:26 am #

    Ha! Love it!

  8. timkeen40 December 23, 2011 at 4:39 pm #

    Hilarious. I am happy to have met your blog. Ginger Vitis is awesoe.


  9. Sylver Blaque January 3, 2012 at 8:53 pm #

    Oh, this was sooo hysterical! You really need to write a BOOK! I’ll pre-order! 🙂

  10. Main Street Musings Blog January 4, 2012 at 5:29 pm #

    Well, Sylver, since you asked . . . One of my essays was just published in a humor anthology, “My Funny Valentine” You can check it out here. But for you, my friend, I have a signed copy. I will give it to you next time I see you. 🙂

    • Sylver Blaque January 5, 2012 at 5:58 am #

      YES! Shout this success from the rooftops, my friend. You rok! I SO want my signed copy. All giggly with happiness & excitement for you, Lisa 🙂

  11. w3bmoon January 5, 2012 at 2:25 pm #


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