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Confessions of a Mallomar Maniac

2 Apr

February 1, 2012

Dear Nabisco,

I am a Mallomar maniac. I can’t get enough of that luscious graham cracker circle covered with a puff of marshmallow surrounded in a dark chocolate shell (chomp). I love that satisfying first crunch as my teeth break through the chocolate barrier and glide through the fluffy marshmallow center (chomp chomp). I’ve been known to eat the entire box in one sitting! (chomp chomp chomp—burp).

My family is equally addicted to Mallomar cookies. We joke that eighteen may be the number of cookies per box but it should also be the legal age to eat them because they’re so addictive!

We feel proud that the first box of Mallomars ever sold was in our home state of New Jersey and find it charming how Nabisco relates that fact on the side of every Mallomar box.

But the real reason I am writing to you is to find out why Mallomars are only available from early October through April. Considering they’ve been popular since my grandma was in diapers, wouldn’t it be a good idea to sell them year-round?

Respectfully,

Lisa Tognola

 

February 16, 2012

Dear Ms. Tognola,

We understand your concerns about seasonal production. Regretfully, because Mallomars melt more easily in summer, we are only able to produce and ship them during the cooler months. We thank you for your interest and hope you will remain a valued customer.

Sincerely,

Nabisco

 

February 26, 2012

Dear Nabisco,

I appreciate your response, but could you please explain why if modern science has figured out a way to store boxed milk at room temperature, send Hershey bars to our soldiers in Afghanistan, and slow the melting of continental ice glaciers, you can’t figure out a way to ship some chocolate covered cookies without them melting? Need I remind you that you market Oreo Fudge Rings year-round?  Perhaps if you made your product in the U.S. instead of Canada, shipping wouldn’t be an issue.

Respectfully,

Lisa Tognola

 

March 4, 2012

Dear Ms. Tognola,

Mallomars are very temperature sensitive and simply don’t ship well in the summer.

Sincerely,

Nabisco

 

March 12, 2012

Dear Nabisco,

Do you realize that I am forced to hide Mallomars from my family to make the cookies last through the summer? Because I invariably forget where I’ve hidden the boxes, I’ve had to invest in a $3,800 high-tech GPS tracking device to help me locate my own Mallomars.

Respectfully,

Lisa Tognola

 

 

March 18, 2012

Dear Ms. Tognola,

We sympathize with your plight. Please know that you are not alone. In fact, the Emerson family from Tennessee recently appeared as  TV contestants on the reality show “Hoarders.” Apparently the scarcity of Mallomars during summer months caused the family to stockpile the cookies in their house. Tragically the house caught fire and 2800 boxes of Mallomars were instantly reduced to s’mores.

Sincerely,

Nabisco

 

March 23, 2012

Dear Nabisco,

I am sorry to hear about the Emerson’s tragedy, but your practice of withholding Mallomars for four months out of the year has caused far worse troubles, such as  binge related sugar-induced comas and widespread black market activity. The underground Mallomar movement has grown so steadily that it recently surpassed the trafficking of Keebler elves.

Respectfully,

Lisa

 

March 27, 2012

Dear Ms. Tognola,

At this point there is nothing more to say.

Sincerely,

Nabisco

 

April 1, 2012

Dear Nabisco,

Oh, but there is—here’s a new fact for the side of your Mallomar box, from a recent New York Times article: “New Jersey Woman Invents New and Improved Mallomar:  ‘Nonmeltomars’ to be Sold Year-Round.”

Respectfully,

Lisa Tognola

 

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34 Responses to “Confessions of a Mallomar Maniac”

  1. Paprika Furstenburg April 2, 2012 at 7:33 pm #

    I would like to offer you space in my home for your Mallomar storage. I don’t like them (insert your horrified gasp here) so they would be safe from your family and available for your private consumption with just a short notice.

    • BARB BEST April 2, 2012 at 8:05 pm #

      Hilarious! “Tragically the house caught fire and 2800 boxes of Mallomars were instantly reduced to s’mores.” Those damn Keebler elves are enablers.

    • Main Street Musings Blog April 3, 2012 at 2:52 pm #

      Thank you for your generous offer, Paprika! I hope you have a big basement! 😉

  2. morristownmemos by Ronnie Hammer April 2, 2012 at 7:59 pm #

    How about renting storage space in a temperature sensitive cubby and fill it with your stash of summer Mallowmars?

    Ronnie

    • Main Street Musings Blog April 3, 2012 at 2:56 pm #

      Great idea. My son is obsessed with the show “Storage Wars” and dreams of one day bidding on a storage unit. Wouldn’t he be thrilled if he bid on one filled with Mallomars!

  3. crubin April 2, 2012 at 8:03 pm #

    Would you believe I have never had a Mallomar cookie? I certainly will now. Once I can get my hands on one…

    Creative and funny post. Enjoyed it!

  4. writerwendyreid April 2, 2012 at 8:07 pm #

    That was hilarious. Love the part about the hoarding…smores….hahaha. 😛

    • Main Street Musings Blog April 3, 2012 at 3:05 pm #

      Thanks, Wendy. I admit, I learned the hard way that microwaving a mallomar doesn’t turn in into a smore, it turns it into a marshmallow explosion.

  5. Jen and Tonic April 3, 2012 at 12:17 am #

    I adore mallomars. They’re just the perfect little sweet treat.

  6. you friend, Jana April 3, 2012 at 4:18 am #

    Mallowmars are not a laughing matter (in this house anyway.) First, though they satisfy the need for crunch, chew, and sweet in their own simultaneous and sublime way, the “seasonal” demand, at least among young children who have not yet been fully civilized, inspires a primitive type of greed, which actually burdens the parent as opposed to affording him or her the ability to dole out an uncomplicated treat. Perhaps, in its attempt to placate Corporate Legal, the Mallowmars product team restricts distribution to limit liability.

    Experience suggests Nabisco’s temperature sensitivity excuses are suspect. Retailers in subtropical FLORIDA, where one can grill gourmet grapefruit right on the sidewalk, have been known to sell the elusive cookies. Moreover, Jersey Shore hot spots such as Cape May have had them in the height of high season. If refrigeration concerns were really at issue, Nabisco’s clever marketers could have conceived cookie-and-milk cross promotion campaigns and other cost-sharing strategies to exploit the talents of truckers who transport dairy throughout our great states. And, cost is not the issue either. Although people complain that organic, DHA-Omega infused, antibiotic-and-hormone-free milk costs $6.00 per half-gallon, they still buy it. Quite likely, a higher price for air-cooled cookies would not deter determined gastronomes.

    More likely, Mallowmar rationing is a marketing ploy to drive demand. Between October (Halloween) and April (Easter), we all go a little crazy for sweets. So, this may be nothing more than Nabisco’s method of getting its fair share of the pie. Friendly’s employs a similar technique with its pink peppermint stick ice cream, available only during the winter holiday season. Turkey Hill sells its Eggnog ice cream only at Christmas time, too.

    On the other hand, this could be a Conservative-generated Bread-and-Circus type of scheme designed to distract media types from the less palatable social issues of the day. If so, thanks to you, it has backfired. In discovering that Nabisco manufactures these confection in Canada, journalists will soon be investigating why yet another American company has sent more jobs abroad?

    While it’s tempting to speculate on the real reason Nabisco denies Mallowmars to the masses, I must return to my regularly scheduled activities, which involves the care, feeding, civilizing of aforementioned competitive children lest they maul each other over Mallowmars, control of the Wii remote, and other modern-day luxuries. With respect, I leave this pressing question to you and other experts more qualified than I.

    • Main Street Musings Blog April 3, 2012 at 3:09 pm #

      Jana, somehow I think you related to this piece! 😉 Thanks for taking the time to offer such a thoughtful reply! My favorite: ” Experience suggests Nabisco’s temperature sensitivity excuses are suspect. Retailers in subtropical FLORIDA, where one can grill gourmet grapefruit right on the sidewalk, have been known to sell the elusive cookies.” LOL!

  7. The Mouse April 3, 2012 at 4:28 am #

    Too funny. Thanks.

  8. Audubon Ron April 3, 2012 at 1:34 pm #

    I’m so happy I don’t work for Nabisco.

    • Main Street Musings Blog April 3, 2012 at 3:12 pm #

      That’s the answer! If I get a job with Nabisco, maybe I can get the mallomars year round! Think they’ll hire me?

  9. Huffygirl April 3, 2012 at 2:43 pm #

    Hell hath no fury like a Mallomar lover scorned! Loved this. I like Mallomars, but never, ever buy or eat them because of their addictive nature – someone would find me days later face down in a crate of Mallomars with no recollection of how I got there. I had no idea they were seasonal though. Definitely sounds like a ploy of pretend supply and demand to make more money for Nabisco.

    • Main Street Musings Blog April 3, 2012 at 3:17 pm #

      Ah, behavioral economics. At its best if you’re Nabisco, at its worst if you’re the Mallomar consumer . . .

  10. sportsattitudes April 3, 2012 at 5:03 pm #

    I should send you my dry-cleaning bill for the clothes I ruined with soda spewing out of my mouth when I read, “Tragically the house caught fire and 2800 boxes of Mallomars were instantly reduced to s’mores.” That might be your funniest line yet, Lisa. Heck, I probably should know better than to eat or drink anything while reading your blog. We’ll call it even since this post made my day…once I dried.

    • Main Street Musings Blog April 5, 2012 at 3:47 pm #

      Thanks for the positive feedback! It made MY day! You’re dry-cleaning comment reminded me of a joke (Warning, it’s low brow). A guy, Mike, and his buddy Joe go to a bar. They drink until Mike throws up all over himself. Joe helps him clean up, puts a ten dollar bill in Mike’s pocket and says, “Don’t’ worry, just tell your wife someone threw up on you and gave you ten bucks to pay the dry-cleaning bill. They have more drinks and get completely wasted. When Mike returns home his wife looks at him with disgust. Mike tells her how some guy threw up on him and paid him ten bucks for dry cleaning. She checks his pocket and says, “You said the guy gave you ten dollars. There’s a twenty in there.” Mike says, “Oh, yah, he shit in my pants, too.”

  11. Sherry Stanfa-Stanley April 3, 2012 at 8:46 pm #

    *snort*

    But you know, if you send this story to a couple Nabisco execs, I bet you’ll get a couple free boxes…

  12. earthriderjudyberman April 4, 2012 at 12:58 am #

    I’m still laughing. But if I suddenly develop an obsession for Mallomars, I’ll know who is resonsible. Loved this part: “Apparently the scarcity of Mallomars during summer months caused the family to stockpile the cookies in their house. Tragically the house caught fire and 2800 boxes of Mallomars were instantly reduced to s’mores.” Thanks for the smiles.

    • Main Street Musings Blog April 5, 2012 at 3:50 pm #

      My pleasure! If you develop an obsession, come see me . . .

      • earthriderjudyberman April 6, 2012 at 3:08 am #

        Actually I went looking for a package today. Publix was out. I might check out some other stores. Darn you, Main Street girl. 😉

  13. funnyortragic April 4, 2012 at 7:18 am #

    I have a very similar problem with my favorite chocolates. They won’t ship in weather over 75 degrees (in any part of the route), unless you pay a gazillion dollars for overnight air shipping. It is a travesty. Especially since their store is IN VEGAS!!! (rocking on the floor silently while going through withdrawl)

  14. Carl D'Agostino April 11, 2012 at 9:38 pm #

    One reason I stick with Little Debbie stuff. Thanks visit my blog.

  15. Mama Bread Baker April 12, 2012 at 10:01 pm #

    I love it! But I don’t actually like Mallomars so I was unaware of their seasonal unavailability. I’ve been looking for a cause to champion in between driving to the brink of sanity and softball tournaments. I found out about you over at humorists.org and learned we were neighbors–Word Press neighbors at least. Good stuff here!

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