Fifty Shades of Pizza: A Sexy Satire

18 Jun

When I was young, before Netflix and computers, Saturday nights meant curling up on the sofa dressed in footed pajamas, ordering in Domino’s Pizza and watching Fantasy Island on TV.

Now with the advancement of technology and the “Fifty Shades of Grey” download  to my Kindle, Saturday nights mean curling up on the sofa dressed in footed pajamas, ordering in pizza, and experiencing my own fantasy with Domino’s online tracking system.

Thanks to the delivery experts at Domino’s, an online “Tracker” has been engineered to keep customers up to date on the status of their order from the moment it’s prepared to the second it leaves the store for delivery.

I not only get to monitor the progress of my pizza, I get to engage in personal fantasy at the same time. I simply select a background theme and presto, I’m at a baseball game, a rock concert, or in an erotic romance novel.

With a click of the “Erotic Romance” tab, flower petals cascade down upon me as the sound of waves crash in the background.  Before I can say, “Holy Cow! I’m on Google!” a handsome business mogul sweeps me away . . .

I begin by filling out the online order form:

Your name?

Analisa

Location for delivery?

My bedroom.

Please be specific.

My virgin body is splayed across my homemade quilt . . .

Type of residency i.e. house, apartment, other?

College apartment.

Pizza preferences?

You know how I like it . . . hot and oozing.

Special delivery instructions for the driver (i.e. knock, ring, text)?

Wear sexy ripped jeans, and ring my bell again and again . . .

I am informed that my deliveryman, Christian Grey, is preparing my order just as I like it and that he’ll arrive soon.  I follow the progress of my order, and within thirty minutes my doorbell rings as scheduled.

I take a deep breath and open the door. I’m wearing my most flattering jeans.

Christian’s mouth drops open but he quickly recovers. “Good evening, Analisa, you look stunning.”

Jeez, he looks so freaking hot.  I want to reach out and touch Christian’s copper wavy locks. He is dastardly good-looking . . . and he smells of body wash and pizza, an inebriating mix.

I gaze into his smoldering grey eyes. Hello, Christian.” I glance down. “That looks so . . . hot.  But forgive me, I didn’t order anchovies on my pizza.”

“Analisa,” he says, looking amused, “if you are not completely satisfied with your Domino’s Pizza experience we will make it right or you don’t pay. However, there is a special contract I’d like you to sign first . . .”

I gaze at him. “I know I will be completely satisfied. I’ll take the pizzas,” I say, taking hold of the warm pies.

“Good girl, Analisa. That will be $647.”

I am mystified. “For two pizzas? Why so much?”

“Analisa, you ordered 50 pizzas. I’m having the rest helicoptered in.”

“ I could have sworn I entered 50 for the address.” Double crap. “Are you certain?”

He laughs loudly. “Don’t get your panties in such a twist . . . if you are not completely satisfied . . .”

“Oh Christian,” I interrupt, “I am satisfied . . . with your white linen shirt, soft ripped jeans that hang from your hips, top button casually undone. The fantasy, I mean the pizza, is fabulous.”

“We aim to please.”

“Thanks, Christian.”

His head turns fractionally toward me, his eyes darkest slate.

I bite my lip.

He watches me intently. “I’d like to bite that pizza . . . and then I’d like to . . . Oh, f7*% the paperwork,” he growls and lunges at me, pushing me against the door.

Before I know it, he’s got both of my hands in one of his in a vice-like grip above my head, and he’s pinning me to the wall using a pizza box. Holy sh*&. His other hand grabs another pizza box and yanks the lid down. He brings his face forward and suddenly his lips are on my pizza, exploring it with his tongue. His teeth clamp down as he savagely tugs and stretches the cheese beyond oblivion.

My medulla oblongata is pulsating. I have never seen anyone eat pizza like this. My inner goddess tells me this is wrong, but holy hell is it erotic. “Does this mean you’re going to eat pizza with me tonight, Christian?” Holy sh&*. Did I just say that?

“You don’t know what you’re in for, Analisa. I plan to inflict pizza on you like you’ve never known.”

“You’re a sadist?”

“I’m a Dominos.” His eyes are a scorching gray, intense.

“What does that mean?” I whisper.

“It means I want you to willingly surrender yourself to me, in all things cheesy.”

“So you’ll get your kicks by exerting toppings onto me? Why would I do that?”

“To please me,” he whispers as he cocks his head to one side, and I see a trace of a smile. “It’s about gaining your trust and your respect, so you’ll let me exert over you pepperoni, mushrooms, anchovies, and anything else I crave. I will gain a great deal of pleasure and joy when you submit your order. The more you submit, the greater my joy – it’s a very simple equation.”

I frown at him as I try to assimilate this idea. “But why are you a Dominos?”

“Why is anyone the way they are? That’s kind of hard to answer. Why do some people like cheese and other people like pickles? Do you like cheese?”

He wants me to please him with cheese! I think. My mouth drops open. Please Christian Grey. And I realize, in that moment, that yes, that’s exactly what I want to do, even if he screws up my order. I want to please him with cheese pizza. It’s a revelation.

“Why, yes, I do like cheese!” I gasp.

“Good girl. I’ll be back for more . . . Laters, baby.”

He turns and walks back to his Audi A5.

“Wait! Shouldn’t I pay?”

“Yes ma’am. I’m waiting for you to pay.”  Awakened from my reverie, I stare blankly at the pizza delivery guy who impatiently taps his foot on the ground.

I pay him.  He thanks me and walks back to his 1975 Ford Pinto parked on the street.

“Holy F*&%$!” my inner goddess sighs . . .

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49 Responses to “Fifty Shades of Pizza: A Sexy Satire”

  1. Stacey June 18, 2012 at 10:03 am #

    Omg you should never eat a whole pizza before you go to bed and then write your dreams! That was hilarious! I loved it and felt slightly dirty afterwards. I think I need to go take shower now

  2. Carr Party of Five June 18, 2012 at 10:17 am #

    Dear Main Street,
    I, too wrote about our 5o shades boy. http://carrpartyoffive.wordpress.com/2012/04/30/50-shades-of-grey/ Our Christian. He’s an awesome subject.
    Very funny post:))
    Lisa

  3. cindyricksgers June 18, 2012 at 10:19 am #

    Hilarious!

  4. Carl D'Agostino June 18, 2012 at 11:34 am #

    I’ll be right over with the baked ziti.

  5. Carol R Craley June 18, 2012 at 11:49 am #

    I think I’ve been going to the wrong pizza shop!

  6. morristownmemos by Ronnie Hammer June 18, 2012 at 11:58 am #

    Lisa, there’s a porno novel in you just aching to be written and released.

  7. crubin June 18, 2012 at 12:23 pm #

    And here I thought nothing could get me to purchase a Domino’s pizza…

    • Main Street Musings Blog June 18, 2012 at 1:59 pm #

      Do I sense a dream coming on? 😉

      • crubin June 18, 2012 at 2:20 pm #

        Depends on who’s delivering the pizza. Daniel Craig? You bet. Steve Buscemi? Not so much. 🙂

  8. Perfecting Motherhood June 18, 2012 at 1:02 pm #

    I’m a Dominos, brilliant! You know, I just finished 50 shades and wrote a candid review on Goodreads and will include it in my WWW Wednesdays this week. I wish Goodreads allows for negative stars because the writing was just atrocious. I think you captured the essence of it, though, and it was even hotter. You could have added a few I mumbled, I muttered, another lip biting, some oh my, holy crap, holy s&^t, holy f$%^k and you’d have been right on target! Gosh, now that I wrote all this, I hope you didn’t love the book… Are you going to spank me?

    • Main Street Musings Blog June 18, 2012 at 2:01 pm #

      LOL! We discussed it at my book club. For kicks, using Kindle we searched some of the repetitive words and phrases (like the ones you mentioned) and found fourteen pages worth on a few of them!

      • Perfecting Motherhood June 18, 2012 at 2:17 pm #

        I’ve had to read it for my book club too and I can’t wait to discuss it next week. Unfortunately I think most of the women liked it and I can’t imagine why! If this poorly written, plot-less book made it to the NYT bestseller list, I’m concerned about the state of the American readership…

  9. Huffygirl June 18, 2012 at 9:51 pm #

    Apparently I’ve been missing quite a bit by choosing carryout…

  10. Jennifer Worrell June 18, 2012 at 10:10 pm #

    I have just GOT to read this book, just so I can get horny for my pizza, too!!!!! LOVED this:)

  11. The Laughing Mom June 18, 2012 at 10:30 pm #

    O.K., am I the only person who has not read this book? I could follow your satire only because I’ve seen the Selena Gomez video. The play on “cheesy” with Dominos is brilliant!

  12. clinock June 19, 2012 at 2:08 am #

    Your writing is amazing – I make my own pizza, but am drooling for yours. Thank you for your visit to art rat cafe…

  13. sportsattitudes June 19, 2012 at 10:30 am #

    I guess this is why Domino’s dropped that “delivery within minutes guarantee.” They didn’t know how long some of their delivery guys would…last…ummm…take.

  14. Shelley Burbank June 20, 2012 at 9:56 am #

    Pizza Porn! This was so hilarious, I’m surprised it hasn’t gone viral yet.

  15. earthriderjudyberman June 20, 2012 at 6:01 pm #

    You had me at Christian Grey … hysterical.

  16. WordsFallFromMyEyes June 24, 2012 at 7:07 am #

    I totally had to click on you, simply because this girl at work is reading ’50 Shades of Grey’ at the moment & she said it’s the WORST literature she has read in ages. I asked her why does she continue to read it, & she’s loyal to the author, giving them the full go…

    so anyway, I clicked on this header & I loved it – your post. Choice!! Loved it 🙂 Great site, & great post.

    And just by the way, I don’t like DOMINOS pizza…

  17. Dawn@LightenUp! June 25, 2012 at 7:38 am #

    Hahaha! A mix of pizza and sex! I love it. It’s like college all over again. Fantastic!

  18. BARB BEST June 26, 2012 at 1:10 pm #

    Yes, yes, yes. I’ll have what you’re having. Hilarious!

  19. dianasschwenk June 30, 2012 at 10:17 am #

    What’s Domino’s number??!!

  20. judysp July 3, 2012 at 11:14 pm #

    Pizza will never be the same! I loved this it was so clever. Much better than the book really. Thanks so much for liking my blog judysp.wordpress.com
    I am a follower now.
    Happy Blogging cheers Judy 🙂

    • Main Street Musings Blog July 4, 2012 at 7:26 am #

      Thanks, Judy. It’s my pleasure. I second your emotion on “Fifty Shades of Gray.” And thanks for the tip. Next time I”ll blame it on the hair dresser! 🙂

  21. Honie Briggs July 6, 2012 at 5:28 pm #

    Hilarious. What no charge? Not even a cover? This is too good to be true! Funny post, thanks for stopping by the low rent district – otherwise I wouldn’t know how the other half lives. Your blog is where it’s at lady.

  22. samesides August 1, 2012 at 1:45 am #

    O.M.I.G.! (of course, that’s Oh My Inner Goddess) I will be posting this on Facebook. Fabulous!

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