Bury Me in a Pine Box (And Other Last Wishes)

27 Aug

When I die, by Jewish law

Rest me in a pine box.

There are no rules for last meals

So pass a bagel—hold the lox.

 

No need for any frills

When it’s time for my ascent,

Silk-lined mahogany’s fruitless

When my life’s already spent.

 

Forget the fancy coffin

Because much to my chagrin,

Comfort is a moot point

Once rigor mortis sets in.

 

I covet finer things in life,

Like an upgraded ocean view.

I’ve even been known to splurge on dinner,

Châteaubriand for two.

 

But to squander money on me

When I’ve already cashed my chips

Feels like losing to a Vegas dealer

And then leaving him a tip.

 

I want flowers when I’m living

So skip the roses and carnations

Save your funds for Hawaii

Because death is no vacation.

 

I know it’s unduly morbid,

But if ever I don’t know my name,

Please be sure to pull the plug

And no one is to blame.

 

Just in case I’m not quite gone

When you place me in the box

Include a Reader’s Digest

And toss in a Tootsie Pop.

 

On a side note, I’d like to pay tribute to Queen of Comedy Phyllis Diller who passed away one week ago today. Her unparalleled humor leaves an indelible mark on our memories. May she continue to inspire us.

“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?” ~ Phyllis Diller

 
 On another side note, I’d like to thank the following bloggers for nominating me for: the Lovely Blog Award, Kreativ Blogger Award, Liebster Award, Illuminating Blogger Award.  Please check out their blogs!

HONIEBRIGGS   

She Can’t Be Serious

theintrinsicwriter

Daysift

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58 Responses to “Bury Me in a Pine Box (And Other Last Wishes)”

  1. The Laughing Mom August 27, 2012 at 9:37 am #

    And, on your blog I will not post, what’s the use? We’ve lost the host!

  2. shalaghhoganhalagh August 27, 2012 at 10:00 am #

    Very Funny. Your post and her comment. And Ms. Diller was a fabulous role model.

    • Main Street Musings Blog August 27, 2012 at 12:14 pm #

      Thanks! I’m still laughing at The Laughing Mom’s comment. And I’ll be laughing at Phyllis Diller forever, thanks to You Tube.

  3. nursemommylaughs August 27, 2012 at 10:01 am #

    Very creative and funny. Make sure you lick that pop and don’t crunch it!

    • Main Street Musings Blog August 27, 2012 at 12:16 pm #

      Thanks! I’ll finally discover the answer to “How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?” only I won’t be able to share the answer.

  4. Carl D'Agostino August 27, 2012 at 10:13 am #

    I am a mason so will be cremated. I want my ashes cast over a bridge in North Miami and have instructed daughter to make sure wind at her back. I don’t want blow back to street and get run over and killed again.

    • Main Street Musings Blog August 27, 2012 at 12:18 pm #

      Don’t worry. I think pouring out your remains over a public bridge will be enough to stop traffic!

  5. Carrie Rubin August 27, 2012 at 10:18 am #

    “Comfort is a moot point
    Once rigor mortis sets in.”

    Well, it just doesn’t get more poetic than that. 🙂

  6. jotsfromasmallapt August 27, 2012 at 10:24 am #

    …make mine a Snickers
    …and a large print trashy novel…
    …my first…and last.

  7. dilipnaidu August 27, 2012 at 10:32 am #

    Meaningful and creative especially the “I want flowers when I’m living” says it all. Enjoyed the comments too 🙂

  8. G M Barlean August 27, 2012 at 10:42 am #

    Cute post. Interesting way to start a Monday. I liked it!

  9. prachijain22.wordpress.com August 27, 2012 at 10:44 am #

    Loved it. Didn’t know you were a poet too.
    My husband and I have talked about writing out a will that our bodies be flown back to India when we die but never have we actually written that will. Maybe I can write it down on my blog ; maybe my friends will see it and remember it if not my hubby. For now, had a thorough laugh over such a morbid topic. Awesome!

    • Main Street Musings Blog August 27, 2012 at 12:40 pm #

      I appreciate your positive feedback, Prachi. My poet friends inspired me to take a stab at poetry. (Pun intended) 🙂 I think it’s wise that you and your husband have discussed your wills. I find it interesting how our last wishes are often tied to our culture, values and beliefs.

  10. Brenda Keesal August 27, 2012 at 10:46 am #

    I’ll take it one step further- toss me into a bio-degradible bag and into the good earth!

  11. morristownmemos by Ronnie Hammer August 27, 2012 at 12:41 pm #

    …but I have a dilemma. There are too many soap operas playing in my life so I’ve got to live a very long time to find out what happens.

  12. Paprika Furstenburg August 27, 2012 at 2:29 pm #

    Poetic and informative – not an easy combination to pull off, but you did it, Lisa!

  13. Perfecting Motherhood August 27, 2012 at 7:35 pm #

    haha, I love your last lines about maybe not being quite gone. That would be my worst fear! I think you need to add a flashlight because I doubt you’d be able to read the Reader’s Digest without it.

  14. Elliot August 27, 2012 at 9:22 pm #

    This is great, funny and well written. I enjoyed it a lot.

  15. Dawn@LightenUp! August 28, 2012 at 5:13 am #

    “And toss in a Tootsie Pop”
    Haha! How long will it take to get to the center? Hopefully eternity. Loved this. So creative!

  16. Audubon Ron August 28, 2012 at 9:52 am #

    I always tell the Little Woman, cremate me, put me in an old Walmart bag and dump me next to those old hunting dogs on the corner. That’s why they call it “remains”. Also, you sure know how to perk me up. 🙂

  17. cindyricksgers August 28, 2012 at 9:55 am #

    I really enjoyed this! I love a good rhyme, and this one has a lot to say. Thank you!

  18. mj monaghan August 29, 2012 at 1:15 am #

    Ha, what a fitting tribute to Phyllis. She was so great. Glad there’s a lot of her material around since she had such a long career. You are amusing, my friend.

  19. Main Street Musings Blog August 29, 2012 at 7:01 am #

    She was an accomplished woman. I only recently learned the extent of her successful career–which she achieved while raising lots of kids! She was a remarkably hard working and talented woman. Thanks for your nice comment, mj.

  20. earthriderjudyberman August 29, 2012 at 9:29 pm #

    I love your poem, Lisa, and share your sentiments. I’ve told my hubby that, when I go, I want it to be like the movie, “Weekend at Bernie’s.” Just stand me up in the corner with a drink in my hand … and throw me an old-fashioned Irish wake. No tears. Just a lot of celebrating. I’d also like a ticker-tape parade. (He’s awfully quiet. I’m assuming he’s busy working on this as we speak.) 🙂

    • morristownmemos by Ronnie Hammer August 30, 2012 at 8:14 am #

      I love your idea of the ticker tape parade; perhaps we can share one and cut the costs…

      • earthriderjudyberman August 30, 2012 at 6:34 pm #

        Now, that would be a hoot, Ronnie. It’s not too self-indulgent, is it? 🙂

    • Main Street Musings Blog August 30, 2012 at 8:14 am #

      Thanks, Judy. Sounds like you have yours all worked out, and that you’ll be “living” it up!

  21. Huffygirl August 30, 2012 at 6:17 pm #

    For me, throw in chocolate, rich and dark,
    for my long limo ride to cemetary park.

    wonderful Lisa. you’ll need a really big tombstone to get all this on there though.

  22. misty maples farm August 31, 2012 at 10:58 am #

    HA! Oh, my, Goodness! I laughed..don’t usually laugh at death…but I laughed out loud!
    Jess
    Thanks for visiting my little ole blog.

  23. acflory September 2, 2012 at 8:08 am #

    Very funny – this is my kind of humour. 😀

  24. aparnauteur September 2, 2012 at 11:02 am #

    Humorous, thoughtful, and eloquently you write,
    BTW thanks for visiting my site!

  25. reptilesintheicecream September 3, 2012 at 11:08 pm #

    Timely! I spent my whole labor day weekend thinking of final resting places, burial plots, final wishes and the like. I just said this to my husband, it kinda seems like a waste to spend money on the box when I could just let you blow away.

    • Main Street Musings Blog September 4, 2012 at 8:24 am #

      Hope you arrived at a decision you could “live” with without belaboring the point! 😉

  26. kathryningrid September 10, 2012 at 4:02 pm #

    Ah, great minds think alike. Although my mind is goyish by birth, so I’m just aiming to eventually be ashes tossed in an iris bed, I do share your delightfully expressed wish to see the riches enjoyed by the living rather than wasted on those who have, literally, no earthly use for them anymore! L’Chaim!
    Kathryn

  27. Carl D'Agostino September 25, 2012 at 9:58 am #

    As a mason I will be cremated. I want my ashes cast into the bay at the Broad Causeway bridge (north side)which links North Miami to Miami Beach. I have instructed my daughter to make sure the wind is at her back so my ashes do not blow back and get run over by the cars and I get killed again.

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