When I die, by Jewish law
Rest me in a pine box.
There are no rules for last meals
So pass a bagel—hold the lox.
No need for any frills
When it’s time for my ascent,
Silk-lined mahogany’s fruitless
When my life’s already spent.
Forget the fancy coffin
Because much to my chagrin,
Comfort is a moot point
Once rigor mortis sets in.
I covet finer things in life,
Like an upgraded ocean view.
I’ve even been known to splurge on dinner,
Châteaubriand for two.
But to squander money on me
When I’ve already cashed my chips
Feels like losing to a Vegas dealer
And then leaving him a tip.
I want flowers when I’m living
So skip the roses and carnations
Save your funds for Hawaii
Because death is no vacation.
I know it’s unduly morbid,
But if ever I don’t know my name,
Please be sure to pull the plug
And no one is to blame.
Just in case I’m not quite gone
When you place me in the box
Include a Reader’s Digest
And toss in a Tootsie Pop.
On a side note, I’d like to pay tribute to Queen of Comedy Phyllis Diller who passed away one week ago today. Her unparalleled humor leaves an indelible mark on our memories. May she continue to inspire us.
“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?” ~ Phyllis Diller
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And, on your blog I will not post, what’s the use? We’ve lost the host!
LOL! I’ll be chuckling at that one all day, Terri! 🙂
Very Funny. Your post and her comment. And Ms. Diller was a fabulous role model.
Thanks! I’m still laughing at The Laughing Mom’s comment. And I’ll be laughing at Phyllis Diller forever, thanks to You Tube.
Very creative and funny. Make sure you lick that pop and don’t crunch it!
Thanks! I’ll finally discover the answer to “How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?” only I won’t be able to share the answer.
I am a mason so will be cremated. I want my ashes cast over a bridge in North Miami and have instructed daughter to make sure wind at her back. I don’t want blow back to street and get run over and killed again.
Don’t worry. I think pouring out your remains over a public bridge will be enough to stop traffic!
“Comfort is a moot point
Once rigor mortis sets in.”
Well, it just doesn’t get more poetic than that. 🙂
Alexander Pushkin is probably turning over in his grave right now.
Or laughing…
…make mine a Snickers
…and a large print trashy novel…
…my first…and last.
“A large print trashy novel.” LOL!
Meaningful and creative especially the “I want flowers when I’m living” says it all. Enjoyed the comments too 🙂
Thanks. I’m glad you found it meaningful because I really did mean it! 🙂
Cute post. Interesting way to start a Monday. I liked it!
Glad you enjoyed it!
Loved it. Didn’t know you were a poet too.
My husband and I have talked about writing out a will that our bodies be flown back to India when we die but never have we actually written that will. Maybe I can write it down on my blog ; maybe my friends will see it and remember it if not my hubby. For now, had a thorough laugh over such a morbid topic. Awesome!
I appreciate your positive feedback, Prachi. My poet friends inspired me to take a stab at poetry. (Pun intended) 🙂 I think it’s wise that you and your husband have discussed your wills. I find it interesting how our last wishes are often tied to our culture, values and beliefs.
I’ll take it one step further- toss me into a bio-degradible bag and into the good earth!
You’d be green to the bitter end!
…but I have a dilemma. There are too many soap operas playing in my life so I’ve got to live a very long time to find out what happens.
And to write about them, I hope!
Poetic and informative – not an easy combination to pull off, but you did it, Lisa!
Thanks, Paprika!
haha, I love your last lines about maybe not being quite gone. That would be my worst fear! I think you need to add a flashlight because I doubt you’d be able to read the Reader’s Digest without it.
I think they used to place bells in the coffin for that reason!
This is great, funny and well written. I enjoyed it a lot.
I’m so glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for the positive feedback 🙂
“And toss in a Tootsie Pop”
Haha! How long will it take to get to the center? Hopefully eternity. Loved this. So creative!
An eternity is right. Glad you enjoyed it, Dawn!
I always tell the Little Woman, cremate me, put me in an old Walmart bag and dump me next to those old hunting dogs on the corner. That’s why they call it “remains”. Also, you sure know how to perk me up. 🙂
But what she really decides to do with you “remains” to be seen.
I really enjoyed this! I love a good rhyme, and this one has a lot to say. Thank you!
I’m so glad you liked it, Cindy! It was fun to write.
Ha, what a fitting tribute to Phyllis. She was so great. Glad there’s a lot of her material around since she had such a long career. You are amusing, my friend.
She was an accomplished woman. I only recently learned the extent of her successful career–which she achieved while raising lots of kids! She was a remarkably hard working and talented woman. Thanks for your nice comment, mj.
I love your poem, Lisa, and share your sentiments. I’ve told my hubby that, when I go, I want it to be like the movie, “Weekend at Bernie’s.” Just stand me up in the corner with a drink in my hand … and throw me an old-fashioned Irish wake. No tears. Just a lot of celebrating. I’d also like a ticker-tape parade. (He’s awfully quiet. I’m assuming he’s busy working on this as we speak.) 🙂
I love your idea of the ticker tape parade; perhaps we can share one and cut the costs…
Now, that would be a hoot, Ronnie. It’s not too self-indulgent, is it? 🙂
Thanks, Judy. Sounds like you have yours all worked out, and that you’ll be “living” it up!
For me, throw in chocolate, rich and dark,
for my long limo ride to cemetary park.
wonderful Lisa. you’ll need a really big tombstone to get all this on there though.
Ha! Love it! I might need a digital tombstone.
HA! Oh, my, Goodness! I laughed..don’t usually laugh at death…but I laughed out loud!
Jess
Thanks for visiting my little ole blog.
Your comment made me laugh!
Very funny – this is my kind of humour. 😀
Good to hear. It’s my kind of humor too! 😉
Humorous, thoughtful, and eloquently you write,
BTW thanks for visiting my site!
Why thank you! And, my pleasure . . .
Timely! I spent my whole labor day weekend thinking of final resting places, burial plots, final wishes and the like. I just said this to my husband, it kinda seems like a waste to spend money on the box when I could just let you blow away.
Hope you arrived at a decision you could “live” with without belaboring the point! 😉
Ah, great minds think alike. Although my mind is goyish by birth, so I’m just aiming to eventually be ashes tossed in an iris bed, I do share your delightfully expressed wish to see the riches enjoyed by the living rather than wasted on those who have, literally, no earthly use for them anymore! L’Chaim!
Kathryn
Well said! L’Chaim!
As a mason I will be cremated. I want my ashes cast into the bay at the Broad Causeway bridge (north side)which links North Miami to Miami Beach. I have instructed my daughter to make sure the wind is at her back so my ashes do not blow back and get run over by the cars and I get killed again.
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