If He Only “Nude” What I Knew

24 Sep

My husband Chris and I stared at the sample drawings scattered across our kitchen table as we pondered whether to commission a local artist to create a larger image of one of the abstract nude sketches to adorn our bedroom wall.

While we both liked nude portraits, we had our philosophical differences.  My preference was for the nude to be abstract.  His was for it to unfold.

“I can’t tell what the heck this is,” Chris said after a long silence.

“It’s art,” I explained.

“When’s the art going to be finished?”

“It is finished.”

“But the lines aren’t connected.”

“They’re not supposed to be.  That’s the beauty of a line drawing.  It’s interpretive.  Look at this one.  To me it looks like a man with a nice physique who is reclining.  What do you see?”

He leaned in closer.  “I see a goat lounging with a baby toucan perched on his . . .”

“Let’s try this one,” I urged.  This required a bit more imagination on both our parts.  We cocked our heads to the right and then to the left.  We turned the drawing upside down.

“The only lines I see are the numbers on the price tag,” Chris quipped.  “And if you divide that by the number of lines in the drawing it’s about $75 per line.”

“I’m not asking for a Picasso.  It would just be nice to own at least one piece of authentic art,” I said.

“Then why don’t you lie down on a piece of butcher paper and I’ll trace your body with a Sharpie?”

“Go ahead and make fun, but this portrait is by a real artist.  It curves in the right places,” I said, my frustration mounting.

“So does my colon, but that doesn’t mean I want to frame it and hang it on our bedroom wall.”

“Why don’t you just tell me what it is that you want?” I said, hand on hip.

“Thanks for asking.  I’d like to see more dimension.”

“That sounds fair,” I conceded.  “But what do you mean by that, exactly?”

“I’d like the nude painted on a velvet canvas to make it more interactive.”

“This is not a scratch and sniff cereal box prize!  It’s supposed to be classic art.”

“Come here,” he motioned.   I’ll show you classic art, and for a much lower price.”  I followed him to the computer.

“Here we go.  Authentic female nude, only $19.99.”

What I witnessed was enough to make Charlie Sheen blush.  “Try using the search word ‘nude’ instead of ‘erotic.’”

“Fine.  How about this one?”

“It’s hard to make her out under the chicken wings and bacon strips.”

“Come on, it’s perfect.”

“Maybe for the garage wall at Bob’s Auto Body shop. . .”

“How about this one?”

“No”

“This?”

“No!”

I began to realize we were never going to find a piece of art that was mutually satisfactory.   So after discussing it at length we came up with an idea that we could both live with.  It proved to be both authentic and multi-dimensional.

The next week, we stood in our bedroom admiring our new purchase.   “I think the mirror looks great,” Chris said to my reflection.

“Me too.  It’s a good thing it’s for the bedroom and not the living room.  Let’s get dressed.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Note: Several months after writing this post, I found this abstract nude.

I was attracted to its subtleness and grace.  Chris was attracted to its price. The artwork now adorns our bedroom wall—alongside our mirror.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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48 Responses to “If He Only “Nude” What I Knew”

  1. Carrie Rubin September 24, 2012 at 1:25 pm #

    “So does my colon, but that doesn’t mean I want to frame it and hang it on our bedroom wall.”—I can always count on you for my favorite line of the week. 🙂

  2. morristownmemos by Ronnie Hammer September 24, 2012 at 1:37 pm #

    Did you ever consider framing a real picture of your mammography? It suits all the considerations: it’s cheap, it’s real, and it has a catchy, real theme: “ODE TO HEALTH.”

  3. winsomebella September 24, 2012 at 2:18 pm #

    That nude sketch is beautiful and may prove to be an investment of value but I must say that the mirror will certainly prove to be an investment of value in your marriage 🙂

    • Main Street Musings Blog September 24, 2012 at 4:34 pm #

      Good point–as long as I’m wearing my push up bra when we’re standing in front of it.

  4. nursemommylaughs September 24, 2012 at 3:15 pm #

    You two are quite the stand-up routine! Love the banter and one-liners. Nice job.

  5. Elliot September 24, 2012 at 3:47 pm #

    I think I’m with your husband on that one. I don’t know what letting it unfold means though.

    Nice art anyhoo…

  6. shovonc September 24, 2012 at 4:42 pm #

    What would make Charlie Sheen blush?

  7. Perfecting Motherhood September 24, 2012 at 4:51 pm #

    That picture you bought shows that you always find what you’re looking for when you stop looking for it. I have some Renoir and Monet (cheap prints) on my bedroom walls, all dressed. 😉

  8. Grown and Flown September 24, 2012 at 5:39 pm #

    Great compromise. Men and women decorating a house together…hmmmm.

  9. Carl D'Agostino September 24, 2012 at 7:25 pm #

    The only thing naked around here are our wallets and bank accounts.

  10. Krista Fuller September 24, 2012 at 8:56 pm #

    You crack me up. Love the nude. The only authentic art piece I own is a watercolor abstract my son Wesley painted when he was four in pre-school. When I came to pick him up at school, his teachers complimented his artwork and told me it was so good I should frame it so I did. It’s hanging in our family room.

    • Main Street Musings Blog September 25, 2012 at 8:04 am #

      Krista, you have the best kind of art. I love abstract watercolors, even better when it’s done by your own kids. Good for you for framing it. I’ve had a pile of my kids’ artwork in my basement for years and still haven’t gotten around to framing it. What am I waiting for? Those pictures have way more personality than my mirror! 😉

  11. Huffygirl September 24, 2012 at 9:27 pm #

    You two are so funny. Our authentic art is a watercolor painting of a barn with sheep, and an etching of the Chicago skyline. No nude art at our house, but at least we can invite people in to see your etching.

  12. earthriderjudyberman September 24, 2012 at 10:23 pm #

    I think Chris hit on a novel, money-saving approach to an acquisition of “authentic” art: “Then why don’t you lie down on a piece of butcher paper and I’ll trace your body with a Sharpie?” You guys do have fun.

    We have some lovely prints (lithographs). Our whimsical art and impressionist art is kid friendly and fun.

    • Main Street Musings Blog September 25, 2012 at 8:10 am #

      Your “whimsical” and “fun” artwork doesn’t surprise me. You can tell a lot about people from their artwork . . . 🙂

  13. reptilesintheicecream September 24, 2012 at 11:08 pm #

    I love the thought of a nude in my bedroom, especially if he is bringing me a glass of wine. 🙂

    Though I would prefer it not to be my own reflection staring back at me.

  14. The Laughing Mom September 25, 2012 at 12:11 am #

    You guys are brave with the mirror. Definite Svengali in our house.

  15. Paprika Furstenburg September 25, 2012 at 7:44 am #

    You’re brave to hang a nude in your bedroom. I’m afraid I’d suffer by comparison unless the art was done by Rubens.

  16. sportsattitudes September 25, 2012 at 10:11 am #

    The naked truth exposed here is…at the end of the day…we all have to look at ourselves in the mirror…

  17. LuAnn September 25, 2012 at 10:36 am #

    I laughed through your entire conversation! Love the abstract nude that you finally selected. 🙂

  18. DarleneMAM September 25, 2012 at 2:35 pm #

    Well, you likely got the best nudes around when you hung the mirror. That said, the abstract nude you found is beautiful.

  19. jennymiller62 September 25, 2012 at 4:54 pm #

    I have to say, I like my art at least partially clothed rather than nude. And I think the mirror is a much better nude portrait than a painting. That aside, I like your flow and dialogue. I think it’s well constructed, and I love your humor. Keep up the good writing.

  20. Sid Dunnebacke September 25, 2012 at 9:26 pm #

    Lisa, thanks for the chuckles. I can pretty much count on my day being brightened when I see your post in my inbox. (We have a good number of originals on our walls – no nudes, though, as we’re still in the business of having lots of our daughters’ artwork to display!)

    • Main Street Musings Blog September 27, 2012 at 7:54 am #

      Such a nice thing to say, Sid. Thank you. It warms my heart to hear that you display your daughters’ artwork. That’s the best kind of all.

  21. Katherine Checkley September 26, 2012 at 9:51 am #

    I have Thomas Kinkade paintings in my bedroom, so to me, this is all very scandalous! Love the dialogue in this. Great exchange.

  22. mark October 5, 2012 at 2:39 pm #

    I’m surprised Chris didn’t challenge you on how you define a “real” artist. I prefer the fake ones – they’re way more fun.

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