The Boob Pillow

1 Oct

We gals have long vocalized our complaints about unwanted chest lines that blemish our otherwise sexy cleavage.  You know, the kind that make our plunging necklines look as dried-up as the Yangtze river, leaving us with no options but to fill the cracks with spackle, wear an 80’s vest, or join the Quaker Order.

So when the company Intimia® came out with Intimia® Pillow Bra, a pillow-pad with adjustable straps that when applied to the chest provides “prevention and elimination of cleavage wrinkles, sleep comfort for large breasted women and breast support for side sleepers” it was nothing to snore about.  Women were suddenly armed with a new line of defense in the latest wrinkle war.

The Pillow Bra is an anatomically contoured adhesive pad made of “soft materials” that resembles a chicken cutlet, but services boobs.  Ironically, it’s designed by women, for women, and looks uncannily like a padded jock strap.

I first learned about the “boob pillow” when the topic was raised at ladies bunko one Friday night.  Before the wine was even poured, a passionate group discussion dominated our dice game when one player dared to admit that she had bought the boob pillow that day, and, with bedtime advancing, had already secured it to her cleavage.  Her revelation was met with silence, followed by a frenzy of hushed whispers, and, after the wine was uncorked, a lock-down interrogation.  “Where’d you get it?  What’s it look like?  Does it work?”

Smelling a story for my blog, my friend first made me swear to never reveal her identity.  As I crossed my heart in promise, she crossed hers in prayer, then lifted her shirt and unveiled her Pillow Bra.  We gasped.  A neutral toned cushion lay squarely across her breastbone like an oddly misplaced potholder.

Shouting over the group’s squeals, she said, “I don’t know if it works yet.  The site says if I don’t get great results in wrinkle improvement and breast support they’ll give me my money back after 30 days.”

I gazed at her breasts. They looked perfectly smooth and firm to me, though it might have been the wine . . .

The next day, as you might expect of any reliable journalist searching for data, I turned to the Internet and entered “boob.” It pulled up 13 million sites.  I narrowed my search to “boob pillow.”  At 486,000 entries, I was getting closer.  To save time, I e-mailed Diane, uh, Debbie, and asked her for the website.

The site clearly advertised the $59.95 price, but provided absolutely no empirical evidence of product effectiveness.  A cited nurse, we’ll call her Carrie Boulders, did claim to use it and she looks hot.

I had all but given up on the prospect of ever getting any hard data on the Pillow Bra, when I ran into Debbie.

“How’d the Pillow Bra work out?” I asked.

“Unfortunately I’m back to wearing turtlenecks,” she said.

“Sorry to hear that.  How long did you try it?”  I asked.

“Once,” she replied.

“Why just once?” I asked.

“Because my husband borrowed it,” she answered, adding, “It’s really helping him.”

“Your husband has chest wrinkles from side sleeping?”  I questioned, raising an eyebrow.

“No,” she explained.  “He had a sore groin from kickboxing.”

Disclaimer: This blog post is not a product endorsement for the Pillow Bra.  Information provided here is for entertainment purposes only. I can’t guarantee the product works.  I can’t even guarantee this post was entertaining.

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67 Responses to “The Boob Pillow”

  1. on thehomefrontandbeyond October 1, 2012 at 10:41 am #

    seriously – we have just got to accept that nature is not kind

  2. Debbie Abrams Kaplan October 1, 2012 at 10:45 am #

    hilarious! Just posted this on https://www.facebook.com/stupidproducts
    (and now I have to make sure my readers know I am not THAT Debbie

    • Main Street Musings Blog October 1, 2012 at 4:42 pm #

      Ha! Too funny! I do officially proclaim that you, Debbie, are not THAT Debbie. Thanks for posting on that Facebook site. I’ve never heard of it but I’ll check it out!

  3. funnysister October 1, 2012 at 11:13 am #

    Thank you – i had no idea what to get the hilarious sister for her birthday next week-she’s always sooo hard to buy for – she has everything – including big boobs.

  4. Ina October 1, 2012 at 11:14 am #

    I dunno. I think it could righteously devastate the underwire business.

  5. Paprika Furstenburg October 1, 2012 at 11:15 am #

    LOVE the disclaimer; the pillow bra idea, not so much. Maybe I would have liked it more if it had a more entertaining name.

    • Main Street Musings Blog October 1, 2012 at 5:11 pm #

      There’s another company called “Chest-A-Peel” that makes an almost identical product (for half the price) if you like that name any better . . . 🙂

  6. Woman in the Middle October 1, 2012 at 11:42 am #

    You just never know what women will talk about at bunco….

  7. Carrie Rubin October 1, 2012 at 1:14 pm #

    Oh, great. One more thing to worry about: “cleavage wrinkles.” But I have to say, my medical background makes me a bit skeptical of this product’s claims. As does the fact that it’s just plain stupid. 😉

  8. nursemommylaughs October 1, 2012 at 1:49 pm #

    If men only knew how many times women showed their bras or pillows at Bunko, they would insist on attending! To clear up the disclaimer…very entertaining.

    • Main Street Musings Blog October 1, 2012 at 5:22 pm #

      Thanks, Stacey. I think you’re right — if our husbands only knew . . .
      Hey, I wonder what coed bunko would be like?

      • loseitbig October 1, 2012 at 7:35 pm #

        Now I am interested in this bunko

      • Main Street Musings Blog October 2, 2012 at 5:05 pm #

        I think you’d get more mileage out of bunko than the boob pillow. 🙂

  9. Gunta October 1, 2012 at 3:22 pm #

    Made me think of the Allie McBeal show and the woman inventing the face bra….. ROFL

  10. Browsing the Atlas October 1, 2012 at 6:08 pm #

    I cannot stop looking at this picture and imaginging that I would look like the boy in “A Christmas Story” who can’t put his arms down to his sides because he hs on too many coats. If I wore this, my boobs would definitely get in the way of me ever lowering my arms.

    Forget wrinkled cleavage. I think more embarrassing would be the armpit fart noises my boobs and arms would make every time I moved!

  11. morristownmemos by Ronnie Hammer October 1, 2012 at 7:38 pm #

    INSTEAD OF A TUPPERWARE PARTY, how about sponsoring a “Boob Tube” party? If might cost you a few hundred dollars in inventory, but I’ll bet you could make tons back. And the fun you and your friends would have…

  12. jotsfromasmallapt October 1, 2012 at 7:50 pm #

    I want to live close to you…you have a “life” or seem to have a life. If nothing else you have Bunko…and two friends named Debbie. Any For Sale signs in your neighbourhood?

    • Main Street Musings Blog October 2, 2012 at 5:20 pm #

      Jots, you make me smile! I wish you did live in my neighborhood. I’d offer you muffins with clotted cream. 🙂

      • jotsfromasmallapt October 2, 2012 at 7:25 pm #

        Yum…with strawberry jam, too, I hope?
        And on that smile “smile thing”…you always make my face wrinkles deeper…

  13. earthriderjudyberman October 1, 2012 at 8:56 pm #

    I’ll add this to the list of things I plan to never buy. A very entertaining blog, Lisa, and I also loved your disclaimer. I guarantee you. I found this blog very entertaining. 🙂

    • Main Street Musings Blog October 2, 2012 at 5:24 pm #

      So glad you enjoyed the post, Judy. I’m hosting bunko this Friday and eager to see what new blog material the evening might bring. 🙂

  14. Katherine Checkley October 2, 2012 at 6:13 pm #

    Sounds like something that would be on an episode of Seinfeld. Your writing did it justice 🙂

  15. DarleneMAM October 2, 2012 at 9:10 pm #

    Yeah, well I have cleavage wrinkles. Of course, I’m years older than you, Lisa.

    If I thought it would help I’d buy it, especially with a money-back guarantee. That said, I guess, at least for now, I’ll stick to “neckafirm” cream for my neck and chest.

    P.S. I’m not shitting you about the name of the product, at least I don’t think so.

    • Main Street Musings Blog October 3, 2012 at 3:13 pm #

      Funny, because I really was wondering! Neckafirm stands confirmed! I’ll be joining you soon.

  16. Lou and Kitty October 2, 2012 at 9:12 pm #

    There is a competing company called Chest Vest. They claim it’s the best in tests and has the full support of Cleavage & Lift, bra company to the stars.

  17. Huffygirl October 2, 2012 at 9:35 pm #

    I continue to be amazed at what products are promoted, and the people who buy them. This sounds like something I would have made up for my InFAUXmercial category: “has this ever happened to you? You drooping, wrinklely chest leaves you feeling embarassed and inadequate. Afraid to wear low cut tops? Well, worry, no more, now there’s the cleavage pillow…”

  18. Diane Masucci October 3, 2012 at 9:41 am #

    I love the off label use; very funny. Does it work for side sleepers?

  19. reptilesintheicecream October 3, 2012 at 12:19 pm #

    HAHAHAHAHA! I can so see this happening at my house. Mine are already flattenend and go directly under my arms when I sleep. There is no reviving them.

    However I can see Loving Husband Raynard swiping it.

    • Main Street Musings Blog October 3, 2012 at 3:26 pm #

      LOL! Do you make farting sounds when you put your arms down? (Low brow joke, I know. Sorry, I couldn’t resist).

      • reptilesintheicecream October 8, 2012 at 11:14 am #

        No, low brow is what I get, don’t try to get fancy on me I won’t understand. 😉

        And yes, if the hot flashes are bad, and I am perspiring, they make farting noises.

      • Main Street Musings Blog October 8, 2012 at 4:37 pm #

        Too funny. 🙂

  20. Perfecting Motherhood October 4, 2012 at 3:13 am #

    Wow, just when I thought I’ve seen it all! I wonder how many of those things they manage to sell. Well, I wouldn’t be a great customer because I don’t have to worry much about cleavage. But I do use a small pillow between my knees since I sleep on my side. Otherwise my knees rub against each other and don’t feel so good.

  21. gabrielablandy October 4, 2012 at 10:33 am #

    This really made me laugh! For some reason I find the colour quite disturbing – why the futuristic look?

  22. earthriderjudyberman October 4, 2012 at 7:31 pm #

    Lisa … I nominated you for The Lovely Blogger Award. You can see the particulars on my blog. Thank you for your support and encouragement this past year. Judy

    • Main Street Musings Blog October 5, 2012 at 4:42 pm #

      Judy, thank you so much. I really appreciate the thoughtfulness of your gesture. It’s been nice getting to know you this year, and I look forward to continued good times together in the blogosphere.

  23. Audubon Ron October 5, 2012 at 6:18 am #

    I turned to the Internet and entered “boob” and there was a picture of Audubon Ron.

    Audubon Ron rubs his eyes in disbelief, yet another reason to fill his prescription and get new glasses.

  24. mark October 5, 2012 at 1:56 pm #

    Great concept, and if it really worked, the plastic surgeons of the world would need to buy out that company and shut it down. Yay for snake oil! At least somebody is getting some benefit from it.

    • Main Street Musings Blog October 5, 2012 at 5:47 pm #

      Ha! Good point, Mark. Love the term “snake oil” — I bet that term has an interesting origin.

  25. Dawn@LightenUp! October 7, 2012 at 11:21 am #

    Just noticed the “rivers” on my cleavage this year, so this piques my interest. But I have a hard enough time falling asleep without some kind of strange strap-on attached to my mammies. Oy.

  26. Carl D'Agostino October 16, 2012 at 8:55 am #

    You are not going to trick me. No I will not make any comment here that a stupid male would make with some kind of stupid boob joke that will make me appear to be some stupid male jerk. I am too smart to fall into such a trap and I can smell a “set up” a mile away. However, I did find the post very “uplifting”.

  27. The Laughing Mom October 19, 2012 at 11:59 pm #

    I clicked on the link and I think I’m even more traumatized by the gigantic beach balls Dr. Oz is using to simulate breasts. O.K., is this where the phrase, “Missle Tits” came from? What holds the girls back if the support is in the middle of your chest? Am I missing something?

  28. Storkhunter October 22, 2012 at 7:18 pm #

    That picture scared me to death. It looks like a contraption you need after back surgery

  29. OyiaBrown November 20, 2012 at 11:03 am #

    Reblogged this on Oyia Brown and commented:
    I prefer a chicken cutlet to a padded jock strap!

  30. menomama3 August 19, 2013 at 8:36 am #

    Fabulous! I’m getting one for my husband (ahem) to help his groin pull.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Getting It Off My Chest « Main Street Musings - October 8, 2012

    […] days after writing “The Boob Pillow,” I dreamed about breast enhancing […]

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