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Getting It Off My Chest

8 Oct

For days after writing “The Boob Pillow,” I dreamed about breast enhancing products.

I couldn’t get them out of my head, especially after I discovered through continued research that not only can women purchase a reparative pillow for their boobs, they can also buy new boobs.

Custom breast prosthetics of every type are advertised online, where padded breast inserts are described using words like “soft” and “natural” and the term “raised nipples” are used as casually as if speaking of houseplants, or dental floss. The products are claimed to be laboratory-tested and nonirritating to the skin, criteria which probably don’t apply to any wheel-spinning experimental lab mice that might be forced to bare the extra weight of silicon breasts under their exercise bras.

In the name of participative journalism, I bought a pair of inserts.  The way I figured it, even if a good story didn’t come of it I’d look a hell of a lot better in a V-neck sweater.

First, I had to sign up for the free online personal consultation so an online “expert” could assess my needs.  I answered multiple-choice questions like, “I’m looking for a breast for…” and “How exposed will your breasts be?”  But after I shared intimate details about myself, I wondered about confidentiality.  I didn’t want to check the site again to find they had used my chest as the “before” photo.

The “expert,” also a well-known golfer, repeatedly assured me that any information would remain private, by way of a 128-bit encrypted server that protects data.  I was skeptical.  I figured anyone could crack the code word—it didn’t take a genius to figure out “boob” backwards.

While I found his obsession with confidentiality annoying, he was very knowledgeable about women’s breasts, especially for a full-time golf pro.  He admitted that he himself has been known to wear the breast enhancers at home for fun, and that they may even have saved his life a few years back during a whooping with a golf club.

With his guidance, I selected the perky breasts with nipples and thanked Tiger for his time.  He asked for my phone number and said he’d call me soon, although he’d be out of reach for a while attending a relationship seminar.

A few days after my package arrived I called Tiger.  “I don’t know about these inserts,” I said.  “I know in some cases women need them. But in my case it just feels strange wearing them—like I’m cheating.  Maybe I should learn to appreciate what I already have . . .”

“Take it from me, Lisa, cheating’s only bad if you get caught,” he said.  “And even then” he added, “it’s worth the exposure.”

“I don’t like the sound of that Tiger, ” I said.  “I want to return them.”

“Come on, Lisa.  Give them a chance.  They’ll grow on you.”

“No, I’ve made up my mind.”

“A few more weeks,” he said.

“I mean it Tiger, no.”

“One week?”

“Tiger, no!”

Just then I was jolted from my slumber.  “Lisa, wake up!” Chris said.

“What?”

“You were having a bad dream,” he explained.  “It sounded scary.  You kept yelling, ‘Tiger, no! ‘”

“Oh!” I said, remembering.  “I had another dream about fake boobs!”

“A tiger was wearing fake boobs . . .?”

“Not exactly.  Uh, let’s not talk about it.”

“All right.  But why do you keep dreaming about boobs? Do you actually want a bigger bust?” he asked.

“I don’t think so  . . . do you want me to have a bigger bust?”

“I like you just the way you are and I always have.  Can we go back to sleep now and talk about this in the morning?”

“Sure. But I don’t want to talk about it in the morning.  I’ve decided I’m comfortable the way I am. I’m glad I finally got fake boobs off my chest.”

On a separate note, I’d like to send thanks to Judy Berman who nominated me for “One Lovely Blogger Award.” Visit her blog, earthriderdotcom and enjoy “stories of travel, family and life.”

Like this post?  Follow my blog and get loads more free of charge!  Just go to “follow by email” at the top of the page and click “sign me up!”

 
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38 Responses to “Getting It Off My Chest”

  1. Don't Quote Lily October 8, 2012 at 9:41 am #

    Haha, I was wondering how this would end when you mentioned tiger.
    Glad you got it off your chest. 😉

    • Main Street Musings Blog October 8, 2012 at 4:17 pm #

      There’s still plenty more I’d like to get off my chest, but I’ll have to save it for another blog post. 🙂

  2. jotsfromasmallapt October 8, 2012 at 9:57 am #

    Your dream-like conversation was so…so…enhanced. So…larger than life. I was ready to jot (no pun intended) down the phone number and call. Then, I too, woke up…

    *snort*

    • Main Street Musings Blog October 8, 2012 at 4:24 pm #

      LOL! *snort* right back at ya’ 🙂

  3. Ina October 8, 2012 at 10:20 am #

    Bigger boobs are all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Usually from jogging, but I digress.

    Cute post!

    • Main Street Musings Blog October 8, 2012 at 4:34 pm #

      Or until someone loses both eyes. 🙂

  4. nursemommylaughs October 8, 2012 at 10:30 am #

    The suspense in this post was exhilerating….titillating. Couldn’t put it down! And you know what they say about tiger dreams..? Me either. I was asking you! So funny!

    • Main Street Musings Blog October 8, 2012 at 4:36 pm #

      Titillating! Now that’s a good one, Stacey! (I do wonder Freud’s interpretation of tiger dreams . . . )

  5. Paprika Furstenburg October 8, 2012 at 11:37 am #

    Have you been writing and dreaming about boobs because it is October – breast cancer awareness month? Maybe all of the boobcentric news stories are infiltrating your subconscious.

    • Main Street Musings Blog October 8, 2012 at 4:48 pm #

      Well what do you know? That would explain why the bank was handing out pink lollipops!

  6. Carrie Rubin October 8, 2012 at 12:17 pm #

    Are you sure that was a dream, Lisa? I believe I saw info about your bosom all over the Internet this morning… 😉

    • Main Street Musings Blog October 8, 2012 at 4:49 pm #

      Funny you should say that. I have a related story to tell but I’m saving that for a future post.

  7. morristownmemos by Ronnie Hammer October 8, 2012 at 12:23 pm #

    I’m afraid Carrie is right; your pictures are especially prominent on X-rated Porn sites…

    • Main Street Musings Blog October 8, 2012 at 4:50 pm #

      And you know this how? . . .

  8. Carol R Craley October 8, 2012 at 12:23 pm #

    You’d be great at “mystery of the boob” stories! I kept wondering if this was going to be a take-off on “The Life of Pi” in 50 shades of grey. On the other hand, I think I’m glad my dreams, strange as they may be, are calmer than yours. I like Paprika’s take on the subject ~ a creative way to remind us about Breast Cancer Awareness Month!

    • Main Street Musings Blog October 8, 2012 at 5:06 pm #

      Oh yah, that’s me, Agatha Christie of boobs . . . 😉 Thanks for your comment, even though the timing of my posts was unintentional, I do hope my essays can serve as a pink ribbon of sorts. 🙂

  9. reptilesintheicecream October 8, 2012 at 5:38 pm #

    Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could all be comfortable the way we are?

    • Main Street Musings Blog October 9, 2012 at 7:49 am #

      I’m actually quite comfortable the way I am–sprawled on the sofa in my pajamas and bunny slippers . . . 😉

      • reptilesintheicecream October 9, 2012 at 2:46 pm #

        As you (we all) should be.

  10. earthriderjudyberman October 8, 2012 at 7:08 pm #

    Lisa … thank you for the mention and the link to my blog. Also, thank you for your support and encouragement.

    Your post, as always, is a treasure chest of chuckles.

    • Main Street Musings Blog October 9, 2012 at 7:56 am #

      My pleasure, Judy. I love the wording of your last line!

  11. Sylver Blaque October 8, 2012 at 8:58 pm #

    Don’t do it! And lmao!! 😆

  12. Perfecting Motherhood October 9, 2012 at 12:31 am #

    Wow, I’m not sure I understand if this was a good or a bad dream… Have you been re-reading Fifty Shades of Gray?

    • Main Street Musings Blog October 9, 2012 at 8:03 am #

      I’m not sure either. But I definitely did not re-read FSG–once was too much! 🙂

  13. ladydeedge October 11, 2012 at 5:21 pm #

    Thank you for dropping by my blog and what fun to read yours!! Boobs
    are almost as much a fascination for women as they are men. Wonderfully full of chuckles. Thanks for sharing this!

    • Main Street Musings Blog October 12, 2012 at 10:36 am #

      “Boobs are almost as much a fascination for women as they are men.” Ha! Great line! Thanks for the nice comments.

  14. Mo October 12, 2012 at 7:09 am #

    Thats Hillarious. I have a new found respect for Tiger Boobs

    • Main Street Musings Blog October 12, 2012 at 10:39 am #

      Grarrrrrr!

  15. gabrielablandy October 12, 2012 at 10:08 am #

    ‘I figured anyone could crack the code word—it didn’t take a genius to figure out “boob” backwards.’
    This was great – especially that clever dream sequence.
    I remember watching a girl running the 100 meters at sportsday. She had enormous breasts and there was a moment when they were bouncing together, and then suddenly they lost they rhythm and began moving seperately from each other and she fell over. Whenever I’m feeling a little small, I think about this and think I’m probably better off!

    • Main Street Musings Blog October 12, 2012 at 10:44 am #

      That explains why weebles don’t have breasts. 😉

      • simonandfinn October 15, 2012 at 9:24 am #

        I laughed out loud at that boob line too, heh heh! The flow of this post was great.

      • Main Street Musings Blog October 15, 2012 at 5:48 pm #

        I had especially good flow when I was nursing. 😉

      • simonandfinn October 15, 2012 at 6:45 pm #

        🙂 !

  16. Ralph October 16, 2012 at 5:42 pm #

    I like to keep abreast of what you are posting Lisa. A touchy subject especially for men. 😉 Ralph x

  17. The Laughing Mom October 19, 2012 at 11:48 pm #

    I would totally get my fake boobs without nipples. I spend half of my life trying to hide mine.

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