My Husband Gave Me a Complex For Our Anniversary

4 Mar

images-1An anniversary is a day of remembrance—when we remember how good we used to look when we first got married.

It’s also inspiration for a couple’s facial.  “We can celebrate and exfoliate!” I told my husband Chris, who grudgingly went along with my cosmetic whim for our anniversary.

Together we spent an afternoon at the spa getting creamed, steamed, and massaged.  It was wonderful up until check out when our therapist Angela offered us home skin care instruction.  To Chris she advised,  “Just keep up with basic cleansing and moisturizing—your skin looks great.”  To me she delivered a two-hour sermon on skin revitalization and handed me a basket loaded with enough wrinkle cream to moisturize a Komodo dragon.

“It’s not fair,” I complained to Chris on the drive home.  “Why am I the only one who needs to use all this stuff?”

“If it makes you feel better I’ll use it too,” he said, picking up a tube of concealer from my basket and reading the label.

“But Angela said you don’t need it.”

“Still, it could be helpful… it says right here on the label, also repairs drywall.”

“This is no joking matter,” I said, holding back my tears for fear that the salt water might induce further skin damage.

“Why don’t you talk to a friend?” he suggested.

I took his advice and visited my friend Sue.  She had a Pug named Prince whose huge folds of skin drooped down his forehead and made his face look like a hairy accordion.   “At least Prince’s wrinkles are worse than mine,” I told Sue.  “Maybe I’ll just hang out with him.”

“There is a real solution besides trying all those face creams, you know.  You could do facial exercises like I do.”

“You exercise your face?”

“Sure, you can exercise any part of your body that has muscles.  As you strengthen the muscle your skin becomes more elasticized.   For example, you can firm your lips by sucking on your finger as hard as possible and slowly removing it.”

“I haven’t done that since my honeymoon,” I said.

She ignored me.  “There’s also exercises to firm your chin.   Just tilt your head back and kiss the air like a fish,” she said.   With puckered lips she blew a series of invisible smoke rings.  “It works.  Start with five repetitions a day and work up from there.”

“I appreciate the advice Sue, and your complexion looks great.   But honestly I’d feel foolish doing that.”

“You’d feel less foolish comparing yourself to my wrinkled dog?   Keeping your face in shape is like keeping a marriage going.  You have to be willing to do the work or it’s just going to get worse.”

“What if I’m not willing to do it?” I asked.

“Then you should take this home with you.” She wrote down a name and number and handed it to me.

“Plastic surgeon?” I asked.

“No, my friend Sheila.”

“Why Sheila?”

“She owns a Shar-Pei.”

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58 Responses to “My Husband Gave Me a Complex For Our Anniversary”

  1. nursemommylaughs March 4, 2013 at 11:07 am #

    That’s what I’m talking about! You are BACK!!! Loved it. Screamed out loud. So funny, Sharpei! Wasn’t she in High School Musical movie? She looked great AND youthful! I don’t think blonde would work on you though. Really, funny. Thanks for the big laugh this morning!

    • Main Street Musings Blog March 4, 2013 at 5:49 pm #

      Too funny, Stacey! Lucky for her, I don’t think Sharpey has to worry about looking like a Sharpei anytime soon!

  2. gabrielablandy March 4, 2013 at 12:31 pm #

    Love the honeymoon quip!! I think reading this blog gave my face a good exercise with all the smiling I did. Thanks!

  3. Ally Bean March 4, 2013 at 12:36 pm #

    Delightful story. Not that you feel like you might look like a pug, but that you had an interesting anniversary. I’m going to start doing face exercises today– just in case they work. And besides, who doesn’t need more to do?

  4. Carrie Rubin March 4, 2013 at 1:09 pm #

    Ah, yes, facial exercises. One more high-maintenance thing we should do. On the other hand, I’ve heard the moves can actually increase wrinkles, because while they may be tightening the muscles underneath, they’re wrinkling up the skin on top. Regardless, I know I won’t be doing them anytime soon. Just too dang lazy…

    • Main Street Musings Blog March 4, 2013 at 6:22 pm #

      In other words my temples will have muscles and I’ll look worse?

      • Carrie Rubin March 4, 2013 at 6:31 pm #

        That’s my excuse, and I’m sticking with it…

  5. Grown and Flown March 4, 2013 at 3:38 pm #

    SImply not fair how little men get away with in trying to keep aging at bay!

  6. Cindy March 4, 2013 at 5:15 pm #

    I think they give us ladies all that stuff cause we are more likely to use it versus men. I had to laugh at “says right here on the label, also repairs drywall”… You guys are funny 😀
    Happy Anniversary!

  7. Glynis Jolly March 4, 2013 at 5:36 pm #

    My mother learned another exercise for the face to prevent the sags that give you the jowls and turkey-neck. Say the sound of the vowels, enounce them to the max. Like you, doing them is going to make me look silly. However, if it’s part of your routine in the bathroom every morning in front of the mirror, whose going to see you?

    Your husband is a doll to want to try to make you feel better. Give him oodles of kisses..

  8. morristownmemos by Ronnie Hammer March 4, 2013 at 6:08 pm #

    Nonsense: you look beautiful!
    Estheticians make money only when they sell products. And they sell products only when women buy them. And women buy them only when they feel insecure and aging. And they feel that way when estheticians tell them.

  9. dorannrule March 4, 2013 at 11:26 pm #

    This is REALLY funny! And there really are exercises for facial muscles and books out about that very thing. But, I think your anniversary gift was lovely and wasn’t he a gem to offer to use all those creams too? I REALLY did enjoy your post…… 🙂 LOL!

  10. Victoria March 5, 2013 at 10:02 am #

    This is delightful! So glad you came by, now I have another great blog to indulge in, with my morning coffee ritual!

  11. Katie Checkley March 5, 2013 at 11:07 am #

    Very funny! I’d NEVER be able to get my husband to spa….so if nothing else, good for you on that front. I love the holding back tears to avoid further drying the face with the salt, etc. LOL.

    • Main Street Musings Blog March 7, 2013 at 10:23 am #

      Until he starts wrinkling, or at least shows a few liver spots, I intend to go to the spa solo from now on. . .

  12. Paprika Furstenburg March 5, 2013 at 7:00 pm #

    Too funny, Lisa!

    Are you sure your husband didn’t set this whole thing up with the estheticians? Perhaps his intention was to cause your complex so that he wouldn’t have to go with you to a spa again.

  13. Perfecting Motherhood March 5, 2013 at 9:56 pm #

    Sucking hard on your finger? You poor husband! 😉 I’d also think it’d cause a lot of wrinkles around your mouth, like the heavy smokers.
    The only facial exercises I do are laughing with my kids, and then yelling at them. 😉

    • Main Street Musings Blog March 7, 2013 at 10:26 am #

      Don’t get me started on the mouth wrinkles. I’m starting to look like a marionette puppet . . .

  14. carolynpageabc March 6, 2013 at 2:56 pm #

    Smiling is a great exercise tip… It firms the facial muscles..!
    I got some great exercise this morning…
    Still smiling….! 🙂

  15. Atreyu Crimmins March 6, 2013 at 3:19 pm #

    Resplendent with warmth, wit and and humour.

  16. kriskkaria March 7, 2013 at 12:19 am #

    Hi! I also nominated you for a blogger award, see your mention here, You’re requested to answer a few questions I posed, tell us 7-11 things about yourself and then nominate 7-11 other bloggers. Its a bit of work, but can be fun.

  17. earthriderjudyberman March 9, 2013 at 12:40 pm #

    Now, that’s cold. But it also was hysterical. Love the Shar-Pei “rim shot.”

  18. simonandfinn March 11, 2013 at 12:16 pm #

    You’re back! Yay! 🙂

  19. kriskkaria March 11, 2013 at 8:17 pm #

    This is hilarious! Can I narrate it for my podcast?

  20. nepaliaustralian March 12, 2013 at 9:23 pm #

    loved it 🙂

  21. Terri L. Spilman March 14, 2013 at 11:32 pm #

    Happy Anniversary! I totally need those neck exercises. Men don’t get it, although I have to give yours credit for doing the spa thing with you.

  22. Jean March 18, 2013 at 10:59 pm #

    Rather hilarious. I dunno know about some of those exercises especially face. Neck yes, work out those kinks and stress!

  23. horsesofthesun October 4, 2013 at 1:54 am #

    HAHAHA I cracked up at “I haven’t done that since my honeymoon,” 😀

    • Main Street Musings Blog October 4, 2013 at 2:41 pm #

      Well then mission accomplished! So glad you’ve been enjoying my musings. I appreciate your visits. 🙂

  24. theempathyqueen October 9, 2013 at 6:30 pm #

    Very funny!! Also, sadly, somewhat true. Ahh, anniversaries…the gift of a long marriage and dire honesty…the gift that keeps on giving!

  25. colin October 18, 2013 at 5:14 pm #

    I really, really enjoyed your story. I found myself laughing unexpectedly at the end. I shared it with my twitter followers. BTW thanks for liking one of my post.

  26. Boomdeeadda December 23, 2013 at 10:50 am #

    I think we’re all our own worst enemy. What I tell myself is how great I’ll think I looked
    now, 20 years from now. Thank you for visiting Boomdeeadda today 😀

  27. ofglassandbooks January 4, 2014 at 5:07 pm #

    Love your humour!

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