When I die, by Jewish law
Rest me in a pine box.
There are no rules for last meals
So pass a bagel—hold the lox.
No need for any frills
When it’s time for my ascent,
Silk-lined mahogany’s fruitless
When my life’s already spent.
Forget the fancy coffin
Because much to my chagrin,
Comfort is a moot point
Once rigor mortis sets in.
I covet finer things in life,
Like an upgraded ocean view.
I’ve even been known to splurge on dinner,
Châteaubriand for two.
But to squander money on me
When I’ve already cashed my chips
Feels like losing to a Vegas dealer
And then leaving him a tip.
I want flowers when I’m living
So skip the roses and carnations
Save your funds for Hawaii
Because death is no vacation.
I know it’s unduly morbid,
But if ever I don’t know my name,
Please be sure to pull the plug
And no one is to blame.
Just in case I’m not quite gone
When you place me in the box
Include a Reader’s Digest
And toss in a Tootsie Pop.
On a side note, I’d like to pay tribute to Queen of Comedy Phyllis Diller who passed away one week ago today. Her unparalleled humor leaves an indelible mark on our memories. May she continue to inspire us.
“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?” ~ Phyllis Diller
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