February 1, 2012
Dear Nabisco,
I am a Mallomar maniac. I can’t get enough of that luscious graham cracker circle covered with a puff of marshmallow surrounded in a dark chocolate shell (chomp). I love that satisfying first crunch as my teeth break through the chocolate barrier and glide through the fluffy marshmallow center (chomp chomp). I’ve been known to eat the entire box in one sitting! (chomp chomp chomp—burp).
My family is equally addicted to Mallomar cookies. We joke that eighteen may be the number of cookies per box but it should also be the legal age to eat them because they’re so addictive!
We feel proud that the first box of Mallomars ever sold was in our home state of New Jersey and find it charming how Nabisco relates that fact on the side of every Mallomar box.
But the real reason I am writing to you is to find out why Mallomars are only available from early October through April. Considering they’ve been popular since my grandma was in diapers, wouldn’t it be a good idea to sell them year-round?
Respectfully,
Lisa Tognola
February 16, 2012
Dear Ms. Tognola,
We understand your concerns about seasonal production. Regretfully, because Mallomars melt more easily in summer, we are only able to produce and ship them during the cooler months. We thank you for your interest and hope you will remain a valued customer.
Sincerely,
Nabisco
February 26, 2012
Dear Nabisco,
I appreciate your response, but could you please explain why if modern science has figured out a way to store boxed milk at room temperature, send Hershey bars to our soldiers in Afghanistan, and slow the melting of continental ice glaciers, you can’t figure out a way to ship some chocolate covered cookies without them melting? Need I remind you that you market Oreo Fudge Rings year-round? Perhaps if you made your product in the U.S. instead of Canada, shipping wouldn’t be an issue.
Respectfully,
Lisa Tognola
March 4, 2012
Dear Ms. Tognola,
Mallomars are very temperature sensitive and simply don’t ship well in the summer.
Sincerely,
Nabisco
March 12, 2012
Dear Nabisco,
Do you realize that I am forced to hide Mallomars from my family to make the cookies last through the summer? Because I invariably forget where I’ve hidden the boxes, I’ve had to invest in a $3,800 high-tech GPS tracking device to help me locate my own Mallomars.
Respectfully,
Lisa Tognola
March 18, 2012
Dear Ms. Tognola,
We sympathize with your plight. Please know that you are not alone. In fact, the Emerson family from Tennessee recently appeared as TV contestants on the reality show “Hoarders.” Apparently the scarcity of Mallomars during summer months caused the family to stockpile the cookies in their house. Tragically the house caught fire and 2800 boxes of Mallomars were instantly reduced to s’mores.
Sincerely,
Nabisco
March 23, 2012
Dear Nabisco,
I am sorry to hear about the Emerson’s tragedy, but your practice of withholding Mallomars for four months out of the year has caused far worse troubles, such as binge related sugar-induced comas and widespread black market activity. The underground Mallomar movement has grown so steadily that it recently surpassed the trafficking of Keebler elves.
Respectfully,
Lisa
March 27, 2012
Dear Ms. Tognola,
At this point there is nothing more to say.
Sincerely,
Nabisco
April 1, 2012
Dear Nabisco,
Oh, but there is—here’s a new fact for the side of your Mallomar box, from a recent New York Times article: “New Jersey Woman Invents New and Improved Mallomar: ‘Nonmeltomars’ to be Sold Year-Round.”
Respectfully,
Lisa Tognola
Like this post? Follow my blog and get loads more free of charge!
